A few weeks a reader asked me to write about coming out and the change from Utah to LA. Since I'm obviously not studying, I'll write about both since they are so closely related. I guess I'll give a brief introduction: when I was in high school, I was determined that I could make myself straight. I'm not going to go into that whole thing, it's deeply personal, but I really thought I could not be gay. I always had liked guys but growing up in a very religious and conservative area drilled the idea of being gay as horrible into my head. Needless to say, I didn't want to disappoint my family and friends. I knew of people who told their bishop, leader of the local branch of the church, they were gay and the bishop made it his personal mission to "cure" the people of their illness. It totally freaked me out so I just kept silent.
When I moved out to LA for college, I realized that there was no changing that I liked guys but I was still determined to like women. I did, and still do, find women attractive I just don't have a sexual attraction to them. Throughout freshman year, I tried to be bi but I never got the same feelings from a girl that I did from a guy. The summer after freshman year, I finally came to realize that I was gay. At that point, I hadn't told anybody. I was still very nervous and afraid of peoples reactions.
The first semester of sophomore year was pretty much the same as freshman year, without the girls, but I was still quiet about being gay to anybody I regularly associated with. I started to hang out with more gay guys but those guys never crossed paths with my close friends. A good majority of my friends are in fraternities and sororities so I wasn't very keen on telling them I was gay because I thought the Greek system was very closed minded. As second semester came around, I was pretty comfortable with who I was. I made up my mind that I would tell at least one of my friends I was gay and so one day in my film production class I texted my friend and told her. It wasn't bad at all and I immediately was relieved of some stress. I then planned on telling all my other friends within the next few weeks. My plans were sort of...quickened soon after I told my first friend. I had been drinking with this guy and we went back to my apartment to drink some more. We ended up making out on my couch for a few hours. I didn't think my roommate was home so I didn't think anything would happen but oh how wrong I was! I was laying on the guy (fully clothed and just talking) and my roommate walked out into the living room and just stared. He was in full shock and I was scared shitless. I couldn't even look at him so I just buried my head into my guys chest. My roommate went back into the bedroom and didn't make a sound the rest of the night. Needless to say, that was very awkward but probably the best thing that could have happened. Within the next week, I came out to all of my friends and I became such a different person. Even people who didn't know me well pointed out how much happier I seemed. It really was amazing.
I guess everything since then has pretty much been the same. I still haven't come out to my family. At this point, I'm not nervous of telling them, there just hasn't been a good time. There always seems to be something going on but I'm going to tell my family over this Winter Break no matter the circumstances.
If I could sum up my whole coming out process, it would be that it took me 20 years to be OK with the fact that I was gay and that I can't always expect people to immediately accept that. So far, I haven't had a single bad reaction when I came out but I know that rocky times are ahead with my extended family and friends back home. I'm prepared though because I am proud and happy to be who I am and if they can't accept that, it's not a bash on me but just their own decision to not accept my lifestyle. I know that every person's own coming out is very different but I hope this was somewhat helpful or insightful.
I would love to hear from all of you about your feelings regarding coming out or just life in general. Feel free to email me, trojanblogger@gmail.com. Also, I know that some people don't trust bloggers being real, but I promise I am! I'll gladly give you the link to my facebook to prove it, just shoot me an email!
Nick
